No, but seriously, not to quote Phil Collins or anything, but you know what I mean. How can I make you happy? I mean truly happy? Do you even know what happiness is? Okay, if it’ll make you smile, I’ll shove this pencil in my eye. This freshly sharpened No 2 pencil. Straight in my eye. Would that make you happy? No? Then what? I can jump under a car if you want. Yes, a moving car, of course. What would be the point otherwise? So, yeah: a moving car. I'll jump under one. An Escalade, a Taurus or even a motherfuckin Passat, it doesn't matter. Just say the word. No? Then what? What?! Gunshot? Yeah? You want me to go buy a gun, and... Okay, to go to a gunshop, apply for a license, buy a gun, wait 2 weeks and then shoot myself? Splatter my brain on the stucco and shit? No? Not even that? Then how about a razor. Veins, tub, hot-water bath, the whole nine yards. No? Still too messy? Then for God's sake, what? What?! Nothing? Really? That's pretty simple. Nothing. I do nothing and you're happy? No? Oh, you’re unhappy because I do nothing and yet you don't want me to do anything to make you happy. We got one of them Catch-22 here, don’t we? Shit. You be too deep and shit. Really. So I just stay on this couch and keep on watchin' the game and keep on rootin’ for them Wolverines, screamin’ “Go Blue!” or whatever and you’ll be completely content? Really? You ain't shittin' me? Okay, yeah. I can do that.... you what? You're going out? Okay, that's fly. For a while? Sure, no worries. For ever? Well... Define forever. Till I die? Or you die? Huh... That's some twisted shit, right here. What? I gotta stop talkin' like a brother? What are you talkin' about? I am a brother... Oh, is that right? Just because I got a sister doesn't make me a brother? Well, Mr Webster would disagree with you, you know. Okay, sure, fine. Whatever. Leave. See if I care. Take the cat with you. His purring bugs the shit outta me anyways. And the kids, take 'em with you. Just leave me some beers and the TV. And whatever you do, be quiet when you get the fuck outta here, 'cause the game is about to start.
I mean: shiiiiii’…
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