Prick

“No, no! No. No, wait! No: really. Wait. Don’t, just, you know… Don’t be afraid or anything. Really. I’m not gonna hurt you. It’s just a knife, it’s not gonna hurt. Really. I know what I’m doing. I really do. You’re not my first. I’m just gonna plunge it in your neck, you won’t feel a thing. Okay, maybe a slight prick, but that’s it. That’s the last thing you’ll ever feel. You should be thanking me, really. What have you got going for you? You live alone, you’re overweight, you’re single. Your cat just died and you got gas. There's a pimple on your forehead that just won't go away and you're tired of cleaning your place and you haven't ironed any of your clothes for I don't know how long. Is Häagen-Dazs really the only reason you're still alive? Do you still breathe because you want to know how your favorite TV show is gonna end? Do you really want to hear the next album by your favourite band? Is it really worth it? You're only gonna get older and fatter and more bitter. You’re gonna be more and more lonely. Until you do unto yourself what I'm willing to do unto you right here, right now. At least if you go now, people might regret you. They'll remember you as you are now, which is, I mean, already not so great a thing… But if you keep going and I come back, people will just say ‘well, that guy probably did him a favour, I mean he just let himself go those last few years.’ You think you got friends, but you ain’t got nobody. Even your cat didn’t like you. He pretended to, ‘cause you were feeding him. But you’re alone, you’re not liked and you’re certainly not loved. Let me do you a favor… Yes? Really? Okay. Brace yourself. You’re about to do the first and only significant thing in your life. You're going to be famous for six minutes. I'm sure they'll have Cookies n' Cream in heaven. Then again, there’s probably no heaven. Okay. Here we go... Yes, I’ll water your plants, don’t worry. See ya on the other side!”