With All Due Respect, But...

I want to go to a place where the streets don't smell like cat piss.

I want to go somewhere that has sidewalks.

I want to go somewhere that has a sewage system,
so the streets don't flood
when it rains for more than two minutes.

I want to be in a place where I can buy
grapefruit juice, limes,
or whatever booze I want, hoping
it won't suddenly disappear from the
shelves for no apparent reason.

I want to live somewhere where booze is cheap,
where beer is good,
and where pork is readily available.

I wish to go to a place where there are no
'unmellifluous' street peddlers screaming,
rivaled only by the grating ululating of
the call to prayer.

I wish I were somewhere that had no call to prayer,
or rambling dogs,
or moaning seagulls,
or murders of crows,
or hissing cats,
or honking cars.

I wish I could be somewhere that has places
I could get to by walking,
not by taking boats where people retch
or shared taxis where people smell.

I want to go to a place where things get done,
where men don't wear pointy shiny shoes
and where women don't cover their hair.
A place where the people are less welcoming,
but more efficient.

I want to go somewhere where the hot water
doesn't smell
and doesn't get randomly cut off.

I want to go somewhere where the electricity
doesn't go out in the summer months.

I wish I were somewhere that had its water pipes
hidden inside walls
and where the fuses didn't blow every time you
wanted to vacuum.

I would like to live in a place
where you don't hear the neighbors' TV
or the neighbors' orgasms
or sneezing
or pissing
or farting.

I want to go to a place where tea is not
a religion, where coffee is a drink
and not a fortune-telling gimmick.

I want to be somewhere where the people
don't fast for a month once a year,
a place where people don't
slaughter lambs
or fondle worry-beads
in false acts of religious reverence.

I wish I were in a place that
did not have the same picture of
the same man
plastered on every wall
in every room
in every office
and every school.

I wish I could be somewhere
where the films were not interrupted
halfway through for a smoking break,
a place where students didn't
read the papers or use their cells in class.

I wish I were somewhere where people
did less tutting, less sighing,
and less oha'ing.
A place where men don't have to
kiss each other on the cheeks.

I want to go somewhere where people
have heard of George Orwell,
Salinger or Victor Hugo.

I wish I lived in a place that was not
slowly but surely deteriorating
and moving backwards to a more
religious dogma.

I want to live somewhere that
has no bombs exploding
or isn't under the sword of Damocles
of an impending killer earthquake.

I want to go to a place where women know how to kiss,
a place where women want to kiss.
A place where women want to kiss me.
A place where women want me.

All of this could be bearable,
all of this could be all right.
All I need is someone to share
my sorrows and
my joys,
however brief they may be.

For, with the right someone,
I could bear it all.
In the meantime,
pardon me, but
I'll keep on
bitching.